Apprehension and excitement…that is what I feel.
My stomach is in knots and it will probably stay that way for the next 6 months. But there is nothing I can do about that right now. There is no turning back. Here I am standing on the precipice and it really doesn’t matter if I’m ready or not cause its coming.
I’ve said almost of my goodbyes and as hard as they were I know I won’t regret it. Everybody who has gone on a mission has expressed to me how amazing the mission is, how much they have grown, and that after three months the time flies! This is the thought that I’m clinging to, because right now, my sisters’ feather bed sounds really nice to hide it.
Sure, I crave adventure! But I don’t think I’ve EVER gone more than a couple months without seeing my family, or best friends. Perhaps that is my weakest point. I know I’m a strong, pretty awesome, individual, but I also know that I depend upon my family and friends to keep me grounded. No matter how upset, angry, confused, distracted, or silly I’m feeing, I know there is someone I can talk to or call to make me feel loved, appreciated, and listened to.
I know the only one I need to fully rely on is God. He IS my Father; he does love me and know what’s best for me. He will hold me in the palm of his hand, so to speak. He will guide me and take care of me. I know this and yet I still feel apprehension. I have been so used to relying on my family/friends that I have so easily forgotten where my true foundation should lie, which, when you think about it is pretty silly, because if you put your complete dependence on friends and family you will always be let down in one way or another. Unfortunately, I have built a pretty comfortable home on this foundation and, for reasons unbeknownst to me, am reluctant to move.
HA! What a great epiphany to have the day before I report to the MTC!
Everyone keeps telling me that I’m ‘going to be a great missionary,’ perhaps that’s another reason for the apprehension. I don’t want to not be a ‘great’ missionary. I have been dreaming about this experience since I was 14!!!!! I’ve waited so long and it is my greatest fear that I’m not going to cut it. That I’m going to fail. I don’t even know exactly what would make me fail…failing really isn’t my style. Failing would mean giving up, and with exception of knitting, I’ve never really given up.
So here I am with all this apprehension knotting up my stomach and there isn’t any reason for it. Yes, my foundation isn’t exactly squared with where it should be, but I know how to fix it, and I am…fixing it. Failing…ha!
I’m not going to fail! I’m Casey Pappas!!!... That said, i guess that next time you hear from me I'll be on my mission...crazy huh?
(Note to people who like to leave comments: please do not write in your comment any other ways I have fail besides knitting, it will destroy my spirit of confidence…also do not say: “you are going to be such a great missionary,” its cheesy and as I have just expressed it fills me with anxiety…you can’t even say it mockingly…Hernan…I’m talking to you….you are going to do it aren’t you….I knew it. Ha! Now you’re not! Dang! Now I have no idea what you will say…now you won’t say anything…now you’ll write me that I’ll be a great missionary in Spanish…)